here and there - they come and they go

human contact

2009-10-23T21:31:00.001-07:00

sick and stuck at home. when will I get better????

Going bananas stuck here doing nothing watching tv all day.

dream away.

2009-06-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

9 years, an honors degree, almost finished a business degree, an english teaching degree, worked at a law firm, a bar, multiple coffee shop rivals, a camp leader, an english teacher, sold credit cards for a week, lived in thailand for a year, played in a band.

unsatisfied. unfulfilled.

follow your dreams. hrmpf. what if your dreams keep changing?

I am 2008 going on 2009

2008-11-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm in awe of the jump from 2006 to 2008. Has it really been that long since I've really blogged my heart and brains and balls out? Really, this was the only true blog I ever had. There were upstarts (oh fuck there were upstarts alright), but they never lasted longer than any of my relationships (ooohh self buuurn!).

It's 4am, and i feel hungry, sinking in this bed, typing for the wasted, the tired and the barely awake. I'm currently waiting for my course registration (4 hours from now).

I can't sleep. Play the blame game all I want, I fucked up. I haven't been myself ever since Bangkok and the craziness that ensued. I wonder if I'll ever get back to where I was (or is there no back, and is forward the way to go).

What worries me is that I've lost some of that integrity that used to hold me back, and limit me. I wanted to break free of the limits, but perhaps we all need our limits. Perhaps.

After last year, I've lost the ability to trust, and as such, I have lost trust in others.

I tell myself, the opportunities that present themselves now are the result of my transformation, but are they? Can I truly draw that correlation, do I need to exist in this altered state?

If you're looking for a resolution, you've come to the wrong place. There is no resolution here. There is the search, for that peace that lies in silence, but this be anything from resolved. Can prey really pose as predator? Can I really continue to exist as everything I was not?

The decisions we make are layers on a cake. As the layers pile on, the cake takes on new flavours, but it can never quite shake the layers that are below. Each new layer solidifying its taste.

fin. for now.

hello.

2006-11-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

yes, i have been off the blogging scene for a couple of months now. lost my center, what to do? i make my return in a covert fashion, no flashy titles, no crazy pictures or emo rants.

i think there came a point where i just wasn't sure what i really wanted to say, or why i was even saying anything at all. now, on a friday night, inflicted with bronchitis and the mellow depressions of james blunt, i write, a little.

...why so much emptiness? i think part of it is a question of medium. the connectedness with which we bind our eyes is to blame. a world where i can talk to my pals in singapore or thailand with the click of a button, is a world where i can also be ignored by my friend a block away from me. "away" "n/a" "out to lunch" replace the face to face rejections.

text messaging replaces the dreaded "i can't go out with you tonight" phone call (i know because it happened twice this month). my buddy got dumped by MSN. there's something new to talk about at ihop with your buddy, "hey man, i had a rough night, got dumped electronically. let's go get pancakes". thank god we still get pancakes.

that's a little piece of my mind.
i think being able to write coherently is an indicator of mental health. no?

2006-09-16T02:55:00.000-07:00

I was just perusing the Irrawaddy Online, and it reminded me that there is something magical about Bangkok, Thailand. I just can't quite place my finger on it. It could possibly be that I spent many childhood vacations either in Bangkok or Chiangmai, or that I travelled around that area for 3 months 2 yrs ago. But I'm willing to be there's something more than that.

I can't really understand why I am drawn to it. I dislike the traffic, and get ashmatic because of the pollution, and it's scorching hot. But there's just something about Thailand that makes me want to come back. Is it the great shopping deals or the fancy restaurants or the cheap food? Perhaps, but I still don't feel like i've put my finger on it.

Maybe it's time to take a little trip.

2006-09-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

Singapore National Day

An Evening of Dinner and Dance

On August 19^th, more than 300 people were in gathered in attendance to celebrate Singapore’s 41^st National Day. Fellow Singaporeans and their guests were gathered in the long banquet hall of the Continental Seafood Restaurant. They were treated to a night of dinner and dance, courtesy of the Vancouver-Singapore Club.

Singapore’s 41^st National Day, on the 9^th of August, 1965 marks Singapore’s independence from the British, and their struggle to become a nation comprising many ethnicities. Those in attendance were treated to a film of the 2006 National Day parade. After all stood for both the Singaporean and Canadian national anthems, dinner was promptly served.

In addition to the twelve course dinner, that included crab, noodle and soup dishes, the night was topped off when the lights were dimmed, and a live band played while couples enthusiastically put on their dancing shoes and began to fill the hardwood dance floor. It was a scene right out from a Chinese movie from the 1960s, with the lead singer crooning traditional Chinese songs over modern synthesizers. It was quite a sight to see uncles and aunties ripping up the dance floor with spry and nimble steps that put modern night clubs to shame.

With each twirl and spin, it was both a carousel moment in time for the older generation of Singaporeans and a flickering glimpse back to their past for the new.

2006-08-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

when i first made the switch from the maths and sciences towards the social sciences, i swore to myself that i would never, nor could i, do anything which i did not feel passionate about.

now i am in political science and am researching constructivist approaches to security in the ASEAN regional agreement. Passionless. i don't know why i'm doing it.

2006-08-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

this week has been... humbling? i wonder if that's the right word.

selling credit cards is not exactly the most pleasant profession.

example:

mel: hi there sir, how are you today?
talking asshole: i've been through this routine before. take down my license plate and never talk to me again.
*turns his head.
mel: ok then.
*hangs his head and walks away to his next percutor.

of course it's not all, bad, just mostly... 80% bad.

what i have learnt:
1) richer parts of town have a richer quality of ASShole.
2) communities that actually have communities where people enjoy 'human interaction' have assholes, but there is more pleasantness than assholishness.
3) rejection is plentiful and lets you know about yourself and your community.
4) you should only put up with this shit if you're getting something that makes up for it. 100$ per day just doesn't quite do it.
5) spend your life developing skills that will create something useful as well as earn you money.
6) life is too short, don't be an ass.
7) quittin time.

welcome to the jungle.

2006-08-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

As the automatic glass doors closed behind me, I realized I would not be able to navigate metrotown without my roommate. Metrotown has over 300 stores and is the second largest mall in Canada. It's a big ass of a mall.

I usually never dare to set foot into the fabric laden jungle without my trusty roommate. She is my guide on what to wear, what not to wear, where to go, what to eat (although I can always find the washroom on my own).

Today, I had no such guidance.

My roommate is in Bangkok, Thailand, and I am up shit creek without a paddle.

if you start to feel dizzy in the mall, find the closest food court, it's probably dehydration and too much variety.

After a fruitless expedition for dress pants and shoes (i've set my mind on hushpuppies, the name sold me), I decided to call it quits and take a breather in the foodcourt.

however, the foodcourt itself is a quite a daunting arena in metrotown. i don't know if i would call it variety, but there were lots of stores ranging from greasy fast food to greasy fast food with an asian name.

As I began my slow death from dehydration, I realized that I remembered to pack a bottle of water. My trusty Nalgene, oh how I love thee. So I spent the rest of my time sipping on my bottle and planning out my life goals in the food court of metrotown. I have 2 pages that outline my life for the next 8 months. It mostly consists of work and finishing up my last two courses at SFU, but I am actually quite excited to be earning some disposable income.

This is quite an accomplishment for someone with a recently realized fear of success. Some how, the garbled noise created by the crowd created an atmosphere that allowed me to concentrate. This atmosphere was surprisingly comforting, and a pleasant change from television silenced monotony in my highrise apartment.

I think I understand why my friend goes to Walmart to meditate. I still don't know if the babies and underpaid staff of Walmart could give me the solace needed for contemplation of my life to come, but they sure have some cheap shit there don't they.

all that you can't leave behind

2006-08-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years, I have had good and bad experiences. The bad always seemed to out number the good, however both built my character. I have tried, both consciously and un- to shake many aspects of my past; sort of to mold my character into something closer to my specifications. Some things have gone easy, and others still lie dormant, while others are a permanent part of my character. Habit prevails I guess.

One thing however, I repetitively realize, is that I will never shake the beliefs inherited from my family. I am a Christian (don't ask me what denomination, I can barely tell a Baptist from an Episcopalean?). I blame my lack of knowledge on my lack of interest. Every rational bone in me tells me that my belief is a constructed reality, historically defined and personally experienced. I've tried and continue to try to do like Mimi and "shake it off," but it keeps coming back to me no matter how many times I sink into a life of sin and hedonism.

What I wonder, is if I can't shake it off, how can a boy or girl raised as a Muslim, or a Sikh, or a Jew? I mean, there is no doubt that there are many angry Jews that hate their religion, but I believe if you really analyzed their behavior and their personal values, there are traces of jewishness. I guess it is for the same reason that many Christians switch into automatic denial -of-any-rationality mode when their belief is challenged. One seems to lose the capability to think rationally or objectively when the very core of what he/she bases her response on is under attack.

Of course, the smarter ones would go into a post-modern defense, attacking "rationality" and positivism. While these concepts do have their problems, attacking them only gets one so far. Many boil it down to intuition (or some call it spiritual guidance, etc). But man, that opens a whole new can of constructivist worms. Only those who have been raised as Christians, associate the physiological irregularities they perceive as guidance from above.

Jesus vibrations if you will. I guess it really comes down to whether Buddha, Vishnu, Tom Cruise can overcome the good vibrations of the Beach Boys.

I digress.

Coming back to the point, to reiterate, I am locked into the beliefs of my parents. Where young atheist boys go to their friends, tv, or a dirty magazines for help, I end up (after the friends tv and dirty magazines) going to God (of the Judeo-Christian variety).

Now I ain't no absolutist, but something about me worshiping my God, and a Sikh worshiping their god just seems a little unsettling. Is it all relative? Do we one day ahve to come to a crossroads where we have to make the decision, in absolute terms? Which religions are "right", if any? Or do we backstroke in the sea of relativism?

War.

2006-08-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/5253160.stm
:(

2006-07-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

hmmm road trip across canada? sounds like a good idea to me right now. anyone wanna come? or am i gonna have pancake breakfasts by myself.

blind, leading the blind.

2006-07-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitaly alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, "this is the real me," and when you ahve found that attitude, follow it.

since the majority of web users who have continued to read this pathetic space are either in university or just out of it... have you found that voice? that thing that you know, instinctually to be yours? i have friends who go into university with the goal of becoming a teacher, doctor, lawyer, or journalist. it seems most of them have known that is what they want to do. lots of them are on their way out of the shadows of the lives that they decided to chase.

i guess the old adage holds, if you want something badly enough, there's nothing that can stop you. perhaps it should be specified that you first have to know what you want, and then have the confidence in yourself to move sequentially towards the goal. but i guess the problem that always arises is two-fold: first, how do you really know what you want? some people may know from an early age, but how do you as a lost twentysomething figure out this who life and identity thing while lookin for a way to pay the bills and pick up chicks. second, how do you start closing the gap between what you want to do and what you can do? if i want to become a mathematician but currently think that integration is sexual innuendo and can't divide to save my life, do i really have the ability to succeed. or music, i've always wanted to be a musician, but music does not come easily to me like it does to so many. have i missed the boat?

people say, chase your dreams, but how is there a certain age where you are limited by the choices of your past? the inaction of the past return to haunt you in a manner of speaking. "no mom, screw that shit, i'm not practicing anymore. i'm gonna be a venture capitalist, what the do i need to learn how to read music for?" fast forward to 10 years later, and your beggin the university guitar club to take pity on your blasphemous soul.

the last paragraph, i believe, should be ignored for prudence. because it is an insidious symptom of the real problem behind inaction: the fear of failure and the fear of the emotional stress that failure causes. how then are we to brave the paralyzin power of failure? one must realize that when we find that inner voice, and follow it, we must learn how to fail. learn how to fail, and move on. there is no other way. when i think of people with disabilities overcoming them to become great at what they do despite not having hands or sight, i look at myself in shame. when the 74 year old passed me on grouse mountain, i realized that when your mind is strengthened enough so that you can accept failure quickly, and move on, that is when you are most dangerous.

deliberate over the consequences of your decisions, but once the deliberating is done, make the decision and don't look back.

Grouse Mountain Sunday

2006-06-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I think I've found my new church. It has all kinds of people, lots of wildlife, stunning views to worship, and offers a narrow path to the top. beat that.

i find it sad that...

2006-06-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

i find it sad that some people will never know the beauty of nature. i went for an early morning run today and came back full of verve. the breeze and sun complemented each other. the breeze spreading the warmth of the sun across my face.

i tried to spread the joy when my roommates woke up. one ignored me, the other snorted and laughed at me. i feel so bad for these two bangkok girls. what they are missing, i hope they know one day when they are not too old.

the old people, they really got it down. their walks thru nature, where everything is so full of life, slows down for you to see. it's a time warp that i'd rather not contemplate but enjoy. they will never know. how sad.

google confidence

2006-06-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

google "confidence," or "confidence + building," and you will find countless websites that claim to instill confidence, be it through 6 steps spread out over 6 weeks, or hypnosis by audio-tape. some of the websites are very convincing; they could be described as confident. i signed up for the free 6 week program by e-mail after reading over the throngs of promotional baggage aimed to convince me that the training cd they are selling is the way to go.

so, i got my e-mail in an instant. it started out with congratulations from ronald i. somethingorrather, and gave me more promotional junk, and a website link to get my free promotional 6 week course to give me confidence, sans the ever-so-important hypnosis and meditation audio files that came with the full cd. guess what? NADA! or maybe it was so elusive that i had no idea how to get to it. but by that point, i had lost motivation, and you could also say the confidence, necessary to figure out how to learn that shit in the first place.

so i settled for an audiobook on meditation i had downloaded during one of my nights of massive and totally random downloading. it was pretty good, although not because it taught meditation, but because it helped curb my insomnia for that night.

googling made me realize that i am not the only one out there with a mild to severe lack of confidence. this community lacks confidence in the workplace, academia, the household, and the bedroom (or the journey there). a couple of questions come to mind: why the cowering in dark corners of a club and what can we do about it.

i believe the lack of confidence that keeps me writing job applications that i never submit is derived from the curse of habituation. because i do it so rarely, and everytime i don't receive anything back, i stop applying, i lose confidence in it. instead of developing a habit of persistance, i develop a habit of letting things pass. i can afford to do this because all my needs are provided for, and work is only a side project for me, at the moment.

this is not good. habits are definately hard to break. another example is when the staff at the registrar have been complete dickholes (or assholes, whatever sounds crasser) to me, and i continue the same habit of not going to submit my loan forms every semester until they start sending me payment forms. then i have to go thru the same process of calling them and mailing them the late forms, all in order to postpone going to the bastards at the registrar ( they are a little nicer these days).

as to a remedy, i am still working on that.

strange things happen under a full moon.

2006-06-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

over the past week i have: met up with my childhood friend i haven't met in 12 yrs, climbed a mountain to be overtaken by a 74 yr old scot, gone thru internal drama while watching a muay thai fight while my friend was getting hit on my one of the trainers, and finally wrestled and lost for the first time to my younger cousin.

there haven't been many updates because i've been busy living life. while the habitual over-introspection has of course not ceased, i have chosen to let it fester and develop before engraving my thoughts in electronic stone.

it's been awhile since my heart and mind have been this stirred up. for one, climbing a mountain gives you time to think about your place in life, and your attitude to facing it. the fact that i was climbing a mountain with my childhood friend really gave some structure to my ponderances. i learnt how important the way you look at life really is. all those quotes that business managers put up on their walls started making sense. one can look at life as a journey or as a process. it's important to keep the end in sight, but to be able to turn back and focus on the next step ahead. my friend being with me made the climb all the more profound.

while i learnt the importance of proces from the mountain and the reward that it brings, i learnt rhythm and confidence from my cousin moses. i had some practice, but still have much training to endure.

from my friend, i learnt the importance of this quote:
there is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

although i am in a strange place right now, i think the most important quote that has made sense to me this week goes something like this:
there are no lucky men (or women). there are only those that are prepared to do what needs to be done when the time comes.

strange things happen under a full moon, look, i updated.

2006-05-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

ok. so i wrote a long post without whining, writing on aristotle's view of friendship, i left it to coagulate(sp?) overnight, and when i came back in the morning my computer had decided to restart (and install a virus no doubt). so i do not have a new original post that does not include teenage whining. i am 23.

but just to update.
- summer is great
- courses are interesting and looking to be relaxed ( for one of my classes, the schedule revolves around the world cup and when argentina is playing).
- stole my brother's keyboard, so i love typing now because of the nice unobtrusive sounds and lack of old gummy coke crampin' up the keys, and hence my style.
- got a job interview for a job i really want that pays really well! pray it goes well, friday morn.
- finished reading state of fear. great pulp fiction, with a huge bibliography on global warming. read this book. it's a very fun, easy and almost overly educational.

may

2006-05-03T17:10:00.000-07:00

wow. i really have neglected this blog. why? been busy looking for a job and enjoying the amazing weather vancouver has to offer. it's 23 degrees today and it's going to be 26 tomorrow! insane i say!

to substitute for the lack of content on this site, here is a picture from second beach at stanley park, my new home:

church bells, writing my goodbyes Pt1.

2006-04-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

ok. deep breathe. here's how it is, i will lay it out sans the obscurity that usually pervades my good written intentions. kuri is getting married in august. kuri is my ex- of i guess maybe 2 yrs now. you know love? well, whatever the misconceptions of love is, she and me, that's the closest i've ever come to knowing love. she cared about my future (probably, and shamefully, more than i cared about hers).

i know i took that love for granted. i didn't choose to put what i knew i should have put into it now. the fault, if a fault should be counted, would be 65% mine 20% hers and 15% the ever invasive cow prods of the world. so what can be deduced from this spread? i do not deserve the pity that my remorse affords me. i don't deserve any pity for the fault was 65% mine. but i am rather pity-able in the way the world teaches through the ironical (i think i just made like a new adjective as well as a new noun in that last sentence).

so where am i left now? wallowing in my own self pity partially; looking in retrospect at my life (an activity i have managed to ignore till now: ignorance is only bliss for a short while, the delay of which is rarely worth the temporal sacrifice); swimming through a sea of the past hidden behind my boulders (i make real fuckin good boulders); trying to look forward but failing my exams in the process; contemplating how to reply to her rather sparse and direct e-mail; learning much from my past and the sorrow that follows, and forever, writing my goodbyes.

i am well aware that this is not a final letter of closure. it is barely, but surely, a beginning long lacking. how am i going to face her? what am i going to say? am i going to the wedding?
while this endeavor is much for the realignment of my soul to fit the bewilder of my situation, it is as much for her, and me being able to set her free, to give my approval (whatever it is worth at this juncture), and to wish her a new life, happy and married (i know, i made another word, but "bewilderment" just doesn't suit).

as far as the word "married" is concerned, it can just go stick it's head in a coffee well for all i care right now. marriage, the death of my ignorance. i'm in a cocoon, and i do need some outside nurture. but i hope to emerge determined, and one bad ass mofo.

(i think i'm starting to situate where my interests lie in the balance of the rest of the world. self centeredness and my place in the machinery and the free will that exists within the machine. a dim light emerges from a dark sea, i just hope it stays long enough for me to rip more into the curtain of the night. i dunno what the fuck i'm saying at this point, but i do believe i have began something. a process)
more to come. stay tuned.

2006-04-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud wihtout being vain. Pridge relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

2006-04-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

sometimes, just sometimes the many forces of the world push you in a certain direction,
events that you want to reject, to take a hammer to,
but sometimes, just sometimes, the waves of the world are too strong for your breaststroke,
you have to ride the wave, and see where life guides you.

hold on.

the summer of me.

2006-04-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

i realize the posts as of late have been rather sparse of any content. been busy with school. new posts will contain content, i promise. my life is gonna get more exciting as summer starts up i do believe. despite the business, i've just been emotionally stagnant these days, unmotivated to do much other than just get by.

plans for this summer:
1) poker high school reunion
2) surf trip to tofino! (gotta learn how to swim again)
3) camping trip with old friends
4) get a damn job

p.s. this lists seems more exciting when listening to crazy flamenco music. summer's gonna rock.

spring cleaning

2006-04-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

2am-7am. my bathroom, finally... clean. it is immaculate. you're welcome to sleep in it. mmmm bathroom... now to clean the mess that is my room.

2006-04-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

i saw something special in her, i must have, she must have.
for that brief moment, either in the rain or in the fall
it must have been, i thought so at the bus stop
what i saw, i must have lost, or given up on
because it's gone and it's not coming back.

2 more exams left. vigilance.
goodluck on your exams everyone.

2006-04-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

12 / 17 pgs due yesterday
0 / 20 pgs due friday
0 / 12 pgs due monday

i think i'll start smoking.

Question of the Week

2006-03-31T01:07:00.000-08:00

We just got a hamster. It runs in the wheel at night, annoying me to no end. I believe it's incentive is to get strong and fast enough to escape when the time comes (it really fears me). Or maybe its motivation is to annoy me and to steal my sleep. But ignoring the conspiracy of malice on the part of the wacky hamster, why does it run in the damn wheel every night without fail?? does it do so for health reasons? is it on some sort of rodent training program? It is bugging me so, any insight would be much appreciated. ;)

The question of the week is: Why do hamsters run in wheels?

2006-03-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

wanna see a good movie? a history of violence. Excellent.
Cronenberg is truly an amazing director. Viggo Mortensen has improved immensely, look at his eyes and his face! Amazing actor. and Maria Bello, SO HOT.

how good of you

2006-03-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

would you believe me if i said my heart was good and not to believe anything else? would you judge me by letters spelling out words sent by proxy with no apparant malice, but rather an implicit and subconscious plea for acceptance?

i think we need a little trust on both ends.

ok, my email address is "ratherretarded@something.com", so i e-mail my supervisor, using that email address by accident. apparantly now i am offensive to mentally handicapped people, or people of the handicap persuasion to be more p.c.

the thing is, that i never even thought about it that way. i've never used the phrase "retarded" or "retard" with any pejorative implications of any sort. in my vocabulary, it does not exist as a negative word. it can only exist as such if i deemed it as such. so if i put it into my "bad words category". but it exists as a synonym for stupid to me. in the dictionary, it reads something like (as a verb), "to slow down the progress of development". and i was refering to my slow process of development (plus i thought my attempt at alliteration was rather intelligent). but how am i supposed to explain all of this to my supervisor? maybe it is she that has the bias against handicapped people, for in my very discourse, it does not exist as a word to offend, but rather as a slang or colloquialism that only gains meaning by the acknowlegement and active acceptance of its pejorative meaning. hah!
hah again i say!

maybe it is not i that offends through my non-offensive use of the word, but rather you! yes you! who choose to view it as an offensive usage.

we need more trust, more understanding, before we be so quick to judge and deem ourselves correct and others wrong.

of course, i am correct in all my previous statements. i have 1 / 25 pgs for my paper due tomorrow, see how good i am to my readers?

fear econ

2006-03-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

i have the implicit fear that by specializing in something, i am learning a lot about nothing. how does one commit when he knows that that which is not holistic is flawed. reductionism needs more than qualification, it needs to understand and utilize plurality.

it's easy to talk in theory, to construct theory, but the problem comes in the realization that theory is not reality, and all theories fall because they're tests are successful. theories look for variables to attribute cause to, that's where we get game theory, but the reductive nature which yearns for scientific acceptance is flawed in is very nature. events cannot be reduced, causes cannot be found in a diagram or a graph or an economic model.

i long for the comfort of economics, but am ashamed by my igonorance.

i'm stressed out

2006-03-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

finally!

it's this time of the semester (week 10) that i start school. my my, there is a lot of shit to be done. i am in study mode.

no matter

2006-03-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

lots of immigrants will probably agree with my sentiments. how ever far you run through time and the space that encompasses it, the past is always around the corner behind a curtain ready to pop it's amorphous countenance to set you down or up some kind of whirlwind spiral.

no matter how much ignorance i develop, no matter how much cultural adaptation i proclaim, my roots keep coming back in waves crashing in shallow waters.

well, we'll see what happens. maybe my dream to relearn chinese and backpack asia will be realized in the next couple of years.

Coldplay.

2006-03-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Lord quell my pride, and let them inside.
humble me,
I want to live my life with nothing to hide.

Pride has surfaced on the graveyard of my conscience. It has always been, it will always be. But now, that which I know, haunts me so. I keep running, but only to have it materialize at night. The mornings are best, because it lies next to me, unaware. This pride burns into my actions and my words, where once my mouth released innocent longings, now it empties specious banter loaded with not-so-subtle clues of the graveyard and the monster within.

Forgive me for the way I've been, for I have been the one tortured most. When I've seeked for love, I've found the path where pride goes. Humble me Lord.

Virtue

2006-03-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

That's what it comes down to, in terms of attaining happiness in the most Aristotelian sense of the word. Virtue. To be happy requires you to live a good life well. There may be material misfortunes like that of Job or Priam, but the manner in which the character that has developed deals with fortune and misfortune dictates position in life and therefore happiness.

Then, there are two typologies of virtues. One being the virtue of character, where character is developed through habituation. There is nothing natural about it, for example, you are not brave because you are born brave, this braveness is developed. From small beginnings, where you made the decision to try oatmeal instead of the more comforting cereal, to the time you stood up for your friend and got your ass kicked for it. These small beginnings accumulate and develop the spark or fiery flame of the virtue called bravery in you. This is learnt through habituation and implicitly, a submission to an ideal. This submission is what is so hidden and so elusive to one such as myself.

I pride myself (pride is another problem for another day) in the virtue of the intellect. I guess that's what happens when you get bombarded by the torrential hail of higher education, critical thinking. You can't subscribe to a single text or idea.

Truth is everywhere, but nowhere to be found.

My skill (and weakness) lies in my ability to look at virtue from all angles. To look at the many facets of truth and criticize more shit out of it than a goat at a chinese buffet. I can understand virtue, what it means to be virtuous. I can question the many conceptions of what is virtuous, what I should do or be or say.

But I cannot subscribe, submit and therefore I subsist, barely, on broken truths and criticism. The advantages of the (i call them) ignorant, are in sight, but unavailable to one outside the looking glass. Too proud, too timid, too unprepared to hazard a jump into the looking glass.

"Realistic Utopia"?

2006-02-23T00:21:00.000-08:00

Rawls is very interesting. He is truly a neo-Kantian, most evidently demonstrated in his work "The Law of Peoples". Many correlations can be drawn from Kant's Perpetual Peace. Rawls's originality, however, lies in his ability to rationalize the principles laid out by Kant using his original position and filtering non-universal maxims through his categorical imperative. This idea of a peaceful federation (foedus pacificum) is somewhat cosmopolitan, and very utopian. According to Rawls's model, war would be virtually eliminated amongst liberal democratic societies as well as decent societies. He is therefore a very strong proponent of liberal democracy, and understandably so.

However, this happy picture leads one to question where the "realism" enters into the picture. Some may suggest that his 8 principles are realistic, but I argue that what makes his "realistic utopia" truly realistic is the importance he places on "peoples" rather than "nations" or "states", themselves being rather, and overly, parsimonious institutions. States cannot act morally. In saying this, I mean that the nature of the state does not prioritize moral actions over self-interested ones. Among states, utilitarianism is king. Realism defines much of state action, where liberalism and interdependence forms much of what people within states wish to aspire the state to be. The focus on people is important because it realises that states are controlled through the actions of people. When public reason and consensus is adequately developed in a liberal society, war is very much avoidable. When the people within a liberal democratic state develop morals that work internationally, the state has little choice but to follow suit. Institutional change that develops the people within states seems to me, although a long drawn out process, the only way to achieve a long term change in the international system where utilitarian states seem, to reign supreme.

2006-02-22T23:16:00.000-08:00

i am looking for something to excite me this year. so far, it's been cyclical and short term. i need something that excites me in the long term, a change, a spike a spark. can i should i go out and pull the trigger? make it big, do it for myself, create opportunity? or should i wait, passively, but at the ready.

if i were to pounce, i wouldn't know where or what to pounce on. if i were to wait, i wouldn't know for how long, and whether i would recognize my prey, before it was too late.

someone SHOCK me before i stay frozen like a popsicle without a mouth. hrm... ok, that didn't sound too kosher, but it was the first thing that came into my mind, so i'll stick wit it.

goodnight world.

on a lighter note

2006-02-19T09:01:00.000-08:00

this is funny, i want to make a video sometime. any takers for this summer?

why asian girls dig white guys

"Natural" Disasters and Hereafter

2006-02-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

As many of you have probably read, there has been a mudslide in the farming town of Guinsaugon in the Philippines burying an entire town of 1870+ people alive. 1000 US marines were diverted from a training exercise near by, but surivors were less than 50. Today a mass grave is being constructed for at least 50 unidentified bodies that they have dug up.

Now, I admire the machinary of human organizational structures in dealing with relief and disasters. It is very hard for anyone to ignore the impulse to help out in situations like that. However, I do wonder why we prioritize relief efforts to preventative measures. According to the villagers, the mudslides were caused by the effects of heavy torrential rains on the mountainside where illegal logging had left no protection for the town beneath. Now, it's just a guess, but if those marines were diverted a few days before to help secure the area or evacuate the town, would we still be digging graves? Or perhaps going back a few weeks, could the Arroyo government have realized the illegal logging would lead to problems and bring in specialists to help? Or maybe a few months back, they could have acted to twart the illegal logging activities in the first place.

Perhaps I may be reading too much into it, some residents were indeed evacuated but were let back into the village when the weather became sunny again; however, it's just a wonder how the impoverished sectors of a country are put in the most compromising positions. Has a landslide fallen on a rich area of the Philippines burying a few millionares alive? Natural disasters always seem to make you wonder if the hand of God has a class bias.

Read Hurricane Mitch: click here
This addresses the Politics of Hurricane Mitch. This was also refered to by Chomsky in an Amnesty Lecture Series.

Read the Philippines news report: click here

If only life was like in those old Captain Planet cartoons that received lots of play time in Singapore. I'm not sure about Canada, I wasn't young enough when I came here.

long weekend

2006-02-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

so, after a week long blogger hiatus, the long weekend has sunk its midterm teeth coated with industrious intentions. what do i have left-over after my 2 weeks of blind pursuit of the emptiness of an image? well, i have salvaged some dignity, and more importantly collected the atomized pieces of worry and fear and am slowly assembling it like lego into a consolidated godzilla of sorts (read: 2 weeks of slacking off is fucking me over).

i think a lot of my life is dealing with the complicated balance between the social and the academic. i need to keep 'em separated. but oh, they bleed into each other. i end up lecturing over pho, and going out to the library with the girl of the week (read: impossible crushes that help me not study) with the guise of studying.

8.16 am now. the sun has just come up past the snow-capped mountain that looms over the skytrain tracks. sarah vaughan, the artist i sleep with, is singing her heart out, complimented by the strings we hear so rarely in contemporary music.

i'm staring at the 5 books that are going to cost me a lot of wasted money when i forget to return them come monday. i'm a little hungry, dreading (only a little though, i actually like the stuff) heading back to my bed where aristotle, rawls and kant are waiting for me. hmm. i know that was obvious, but i better qualify it: they are in my book on ethics. i am NOT sleeping with men who think they are philosophers come from the grave (or the cave haha. man, when i make a joke, i really make a joke. hrm.. this could possibly be academics bleeding into the social... meh, what can u do). just wanted to clarify that for you crystal, lest you make some sub-par joke that is an affront to homosexuality, because i am as straight as a, like, erm.. like a straight line. yeah, booyah to your grandma as they say.

sigh, this midterm is gonna be real interesting. you see, this class that i'm taking is being taught by a diplomat that worked for the canadian foreign services for 30+ years. the guy is about 60 now, and still got some pop! left in him. but man, old ppl can be long winded. anyway, what he does is contextualize philosophers such as kant and aristotle in a contemporary way. it's sorta like being hip, but not too hip. he brings in the contemporary scholars of the time such as david singer and michael ignatieff and shows how a lot of what they say has already been said by aristotle (i don't know why red reminds me of aristotle, or maybe its the other way around). it really brought life back into philosophy for me. i don't have a huge background in it, but i had never really found it very interesting in the first place. now i'm actually looking forward to brewing some tea and set the mood for a lusty night of philosophy 101. well, it's actually political science 449 ethics in IR, but it's very much philosophy.

ooh and he makes philosophy jokes that make sense only after a long pause in thinking. they are, i believe, techniques learnt thru diplomatic engagements, like when you want to insult someone without insulting someone. i think they are great, even though it takes me a little longer than most to get them (of those that actually do).

okay, i've listened to this sarah vaughn album two times over already, i'm audi.
P.S if anyone living near me is reading, and likes to play tennis, give me a shout, i have 2 hitting partners, but they don't really wake up until the afternoon. and i have such a jones for this tennis thing these days.

2006-02-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

so tired.

monday with the sunshinin thru my window

2006-02-06T09:29:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with beautiful people. And i mean somewhat strictly in the physical sense of the word. I like them, but at the same time every psychosomatically-induced distaste i have developed during my youth finds faults and expands them to j-lo proportions. i have problems with beautiful, rich people.

i guess looking at it from a wider angle, i wonder how much social class and physical characteristics define your personality. on the surface, i seem to be correct. the haves are evil oppressors of the have-nots. it's quite a predicament for people like myself, who are flipflopping more than any electoral candidate between the two spheres. i am a have-some. my place is filled with ambiguity, not knowing if i am within my social playpen or out trying to ride wilderbeasts, so to speak.

more importantly, my actions. how do i come off to others? do i act with sincerity and exude charm and personality that i deem is a quality of the have-nots? or do i engage in the bougie sobbery of the haves. sure, the world is not black and white like this. but where do you lean?

why can't we just all you know, get a long man... sing kumbaya by the fire and shit. why can't the haves and have-nots break that social barrier? this is speaking more in terms of the beauty differences. but even looking at it from a social class perspective, i have started to realize that i am part of the upper middle class (egawd!!). yes it's true my friend. I have been volunteering downtown to give out food in the bad part of vancouver, and I have started to realize that I can't relate! I am trying to engage with my fellow humans. The have-nots. But I just can't relate, have nothing to say, and will I ever stand the chance of making friends with them? What in common do I have?

I think we all have to address our humanity, and realize what we have in common we do have with the have-nots both in beauty and with class.

Brilliance.

2006-02-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading part 1 of 2 of Weber's "Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism". This guy is Brilliant! The concept seems simple enough: the protestant ethic of frugality and hard work creates capitalism. My more than crass description of the work does the detail of Weber justice in terms of acting as a foil. This guy is simply brilliant when you get down to the bones of it.

Different rationalizations! That's the part that did it for me, and the way he used it as a tool to understanding the rationality of the Protestant ethic. As a writer, and a thinker, this guy really covers his bases. He doesn't go for an all-encompassing blanket theory, but rather finds niches within history from which he can fit his theories into the mosaic of capitalism.

Just amazing. On to part deux.

Two Tests

2006-01-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

Second Test was more entertaining.

Your Dating Purity Score: 78%

You are an under-experienced dater.
This doesn't mean you're unexperienced - far from it.
It just means that there's a lot of romance left to discover!

Dating Purity Test

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Eagle

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Whale

You are active, a challenger, and optimistic.
Hard-working, you are always working towards a set goal.

The Animal Personality Test

Apparently, I is "very connect to" my soul.

2006-01-25T02:43:00.000-08:00

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

ok... so i got distracted by those damn quizzes

2006-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

This is rather embarassing. I rarely do these quiz things, but when I do, I get addicted. So there's gonna be more to come. I am an "expert kisser" apparently! kick ass! These quizes are so accurate. It's amazing who comes up with these things.... er...
heh
yeah

ok. i'll try put up a new quiz daily so I can keep updating without really saying anything. back to work.

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

style<

2006-01-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder what my musical style is. Or rather, my musical preference.
A standard playlist reads like this for me:
Iron and Wine, Fifty Cent, 2 Pac, Jack Johnson, Keith Urban, Issac Stern/ Perlman (Classical Violin), Temptations, Frou Frou, Rage against the machine.

Where do i stand? Well, I searched the blogosphere for answers, and this authoritative 10 question blog quiz helped me figure it out. Woo. Well, it tells you which band you are most like. So I guess that's a start eh?

Maroon 5 Shares Your Taste in Music

See their whole playlist here (iTunes required)

Which Musician (or Group) Shares Your Taste in Music?

hrm.
I did like maroon five before and during the maroon five craze last winter. But I dunno, they are starting to annoy me. And their videos of making out with older women just creep me out sometimes.

Minorities

2006-01-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

Speaking of minorities, my friends and I made a very interesting observation in our political development class. The class consisted of 12 people with one student directing a presentation/discussion. Nothing out of the ordinary from the onset. The observation came when we were seperated into three groups of four. basically, we were sitting in a rectangle. so like er..

: ----------------------
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P |
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so each group was on one of the sides. This is the interesting part:
My group consisted of 3 Africans and 1 Asian, while the next group comprised 3 girls and 1 guy and the last group was made up of 3 guys of the brown persuasion (forgive my ignorance, but don't know the difference between them) and 1 white guy.

It was just rather interesting as my friend and I started go "er... do you see what I see?". Oh yeah, this entire post is a plug to say that when we played trivial pursuit (using the readings) my group totally kicked ass. I'm really excited that in the majority of my classes, although we do endure lengthy reading lists, we do manage to make lots of fun out of them.

Aiya.. why no one comment lah?

2006-01-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite poems (i don't read many, but this one is good)

summer solstice, sharon olds

I wonder how the meaning garnered from this poem has evolved considering september 11th. the huge machinery of the earth.

also on the same page, read "the solution". you'll get a kick out of it. it's right under the pope's penis, which is curt but fun.

Bending Space and Time

2006-01-20T00:35:00.000-08:00

I have no time! I feel like I'm taking on more than I can handle. What with 16 credits, 2 volunteer jobs, LSAT prep, and my foray in to the church scene (still iffy), I seem to have no time to do much in terms of leisure.

Must life be like this? Sigh, a return to the vernacular I counter! I think I would like to learn more about plants and planting in general. Today I sunk my hands into the soil of the earth enclosing my plant. Soft and grainy earth, back to some beginnings.

Of course, the plant was from my parent's van, and the soil from a double-bagged plastic bag, and the procedure of transfering the plant to another pot with more soil lasted less than a minute. But still... I could see myself having more plants.

Black Sesame

2006-01-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to wear a big "fuck off" sign on my forehead. You know to ward off the disingenuous. I tire so of most of the people I know. I tire of how little they are willing to give, and how little it makes me feel.

~oh no, please don't direct your attention elsewhere, this is not a whine. I think I am addressing the results of those rare but pungent moments of loneliness that descend upon us out of the blue. surrounded, but alone right? i think all of us go to that places sometime (too bad we don't meet in that place much). looking for something, but not knowing what, that's the general atmosphere in that place. love and belonging? maybe. under the assumption that it is love and belonging that we seek, then I suggest two avenues that are explored by my peers:

1) ole'fashioned love

This is the search for that warm fuzzy feeling that a woman sleeping in an alaska trailer sings about. A simple feeling that's true. The search for one. The ultimate partner to spend a life of happy monogamy with forever and ever. Why do we need these "someones" in our lives? For the very reason we began the arduous search: someone phone up when that inevitable shroud of loneliness sets in. This can only be realized when you have had that, and lost it. The number you so carelessly set into your nokia sits in digital dust, to be glanced over and sighed over, but never dialed, over.

This ole'fashioned love although very... difficult, alleviates the ailment of momentary loneliness. It is precious. "Closer" was a great film, natalie portman, captivating.

2) sex in the city

TV tells me that the first has been, pro tanto, usurped by something that makes the the monogamy of the penguins look like the orgy of the penguins. We find it in specious relationships that from the outset mean nothing. A false, or perhaps temporary comfort. The general trend is movement from the one to the next, always in need, breaking and reforming in a vicious cycle of the poverty of love. I do not wish to discount this method of satisfaction, because I have many times considered the option. Apparently, virginity to a guy doesn't mean as much as it does to a girl. Apparently. So far, I haven't been able to drive my car over the ethical hump (haha, get it? ethical hump. i am funny). I have friends that subscribe to this theory, and who knows, maybe they are more satisfied than I.

So far, prudentially, I still see this method as a form of escapism, with the effect of not satisfaction, but rather a way to block out the moments of loneliness. The distinction is rather nuanced, but important nonetheless. The later seeks ignorance of the moment of loneliness (MOL), while the former seeks to face it head on with two instead of one.

-- And now back to my shroud, and my prep for my presentation on "equality, utilitarianism and intuitionism". I really do wish my brain was sharper.

whoa!!

2006-01-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

I've been out of the blogging world since Christmas started. Today is my first foray in to the blogosphere of 2000 and 6. You know what? I feel fresh. This new year has somehow acquired new focus (and more of it). I am involved in school (i have already begun researching for my essays), I have started a gym plan, I have devoted a few hours a week to 2 seperate volunteer commitments, I am studying for LSATs (albeit a little high during the first session). haha, session. anyway, where was I? New focus. Yes.

I am now in a new apartment, much closer to school. Instead of wasting 3 hours passed out on the bus, I can use those buspass hours for volunteering. Have a meeting with the campus pastor to see if I agree with him (i have a bad history of hating most religious authority figures). If so, I'll get more involved with the university church.

So much to do, so little time. Until next time.

2005-12-22T01:40:00.000-08:00

having sort of a christmas break from blogging. but not for too long.
Merry Christmas everyone.

2005-12-14T01:48:00.000-08:00

What is it that makes us need to be with another? Why is there such a longing among twentysomthings (and many other generations for that matter) for someone to be with? More interestingly, why such a lack? If you browse online dating websites - yes, i have browsed a few, but never really used one before, i'm quite shy online - you see so many "ugly" and "beautiful" people looking for that special someone to take them off on a white horse or BMW. Online dating, according to a very trusted source i like to call the online dating advertisements on tv, is apparently very popular right now. it's all the rage guys.

If you actually go on the sites, there are SO many people on it. When I heard that my friend was on one, I had to check it out. Apparently she had dates lined up two times every week for as long as she was on it. Now, this may not be much for some, but for me, two dates surpasses my annual quota by a factor of like 2. I was intrigued.

But why I ask, are so many people looking and not finding? I believe it has something to do with expectations. I believe a lot of the problem these days is the category of images we are being fed by media, and then perpetuated by imitative behavior that surrounds our social space. The airbrushed images of the most beautiful and bulimic celebrities that we see and embrace are quite unattainable. Now, of course, we are not idiotic observers who can't tell that the images we see are doctored and unrealistic. But the constant barrage of these images does slowly change our expectations to match more closely that of the airbrushed beauty rolling in glistening dirt on the beach.

Online dating is a "natural" progression of this superficial and unrealistic expectation mr or mrs right. You can quickly scan through lists checking off personality traits, and 5 most favorite things (usually walk on the beach, eat chocolate, go to the movies, and two other ones choices that really spice up ur profile). Of course, the picture is usually the most important drawing force. Then the witty nickname or title. "halferB@b3xxx" or "xxxnaughtyxxxsexynaughtysexxxy" or "kink1268739029a" or ... heh. this is fun...

where was i...

why have we lost the ability to interact in a social space? i know i am socially inept, but how did this come about, can it change? or are we doomed to the online 5 step dating process? the internet has given us autonomy, but we need to reconcile this autonomy with community. Does the internet strengthen online community (Galston)? Strengthen, I don't know, but it has definately altered the fabric of social life.

The loneliness that i see in society, through introspection, scares me. Youth suicides being the 2nd leading cause of death scares me. Japanese death pact sucide websites scare me. Online dating scares me. Not dating online itself, but its exposure of the breakdown of community and formation voluntary, interest communities. Maybe one day "xxxspankyxxx" and I will fall deep in love, but for now, i think i'll pass.

3 more days

2005-12-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

3 more days 3 more days 3 more days

10 pg of essay writing left and then i get to sleep. oh sleep, how i pine for thee. beautiful slumber, the most seductive of lovers. when my essay is done, i'll jump under my covers, and as just i nod off under those 250 thread count covers, my lover will creep in after me.

3 more days. time to burn what's left of that midnight oil that's stuck to the bottom.

3000 words is 3000 words that need to be reworded...

2005-12-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

My blog essay is growing... it is going to be about 4000 words, which is not good since the extended limit i got was 3700. As my paper grows arithmetically, my sickness is growing exponentially, only to be slowed down by the random medicines i find in drawers and cabinets around the house.

My mind is not really clouded, but shrouded maybe... theory is killer. i tell you, this thing is becoming a master's thesis instead of an undergrad transnational human rights essay. So frustrated... I have spent the whole day immersed in theory, and I want to come up for air, into the simple smurf land of the empirical. this is strange because ordinarily i love theory, but right now, i just wanna be done with my theoretical framework so i can go to sleep and spend an hr on the empirical evidence of blogs and 2 hrs on the damned works cited page. damn you works cited page!! my bane...!!!

Insanity ensues at 1:20 am in the cold sickly theoretical morning. Man, I need to get out and meet people after all this is done. i have become a hermit. social life exists in the library and in between classes. the rest of my time is spent at home, doing what i would be doing at the library only it's closed and bring on the run on sentences because i need to run off and finish this damned essay; man i wish i could use these sentences i'm typing in my esssay so i would have to write more i will stop this silly sentence now.

Done on the 12th

2005-12-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

So I spent all of yesterday at school. SFU, the lonely mountain prison, is an amazing place to get work done. I must give it that. It isolates you from most leisure activities, while the winter cold takes hold of your soul... and CRUsHES it!!!

nah, i'm just kidding... it only takes part of your soul prisoner. you get it back, albeit torn and tattered, but it doesn't really _crush_ your soul. cuz that wouldn't be good.

So i left the library at 11pm and got home around 12am. been quite tired lately. writing this last research paper worth 45% of my grade. It's gonna kick ass!! .. it's due tomorrow!! doh. 3500 words of... brilliance it will be!

well, right now it's about how when the media is restrained, and international law is helpless to uphold human rights, blogs can come into the picture to change the social imaginary in the public sphere. creating a more liberal, plurality. and this is only due to the rise and prominence of western modernity and the Habermasian idea of eighteenth century public opinion as the public sphere. blogs, i assert can create a plurality of media because of the transparent nature it has. AS well, it can start movements. i am doing all of this in the context of the beautiful, clean and green island city that i am outcast from, Singapore.

back to work people! good luck on your exams. Today i go hardcore!! ( i just got sick last night :( )

Coming down

2005-12-03T23:26:00.000-08:00

it's quite hard for me to write like most others. whenever i try to write a sort of "today, i bought a bag, ate a hotdog and skinned a cat" type blog, i get arthritis and ADD at the same time.

i really do want to write with less of a wide angle (although quite reflective if i do say so myself) lense of the world,society, and all the other big ones. i think i need to start small. i am by no means a journalist, but a boy can dream can't he? maybe i should say a man... makes me sound more like... manly. here is me, starting small:

today i woke up around 9 am. still recovering from my sleep depriving 14hr essay. i wrote from 5pm till 9am the following morning, virutally non-stop. i do believe i lost vision for a few minutes. motor skills went out the window when i was eating lunch after i handed in the essay. anyway. back to today. i didn't really do much. went to UBC to get some work done, but got hungry and had to leave.

pleasant surprise though, i met adam at the back of the bus. that was pretty cool because i don't see him very much now hez all married (not like i saw him much before, but seems like the thing to say). he was doing a math competition from 8am - 2pm. some crazy shit i tell ya. supposed to be good for a resume... i mean, if you're a math major like he is. smart guy. used to be a close friend. now just acquaintance. alas, like many other close friends i used to have. some never stay sober enough; others turn away from me; michael turned coat; and others turned gay. i guess i shuld be happy adam is still around. i have very few friends that i've kept since high school. that wouldn't be so bad a thing if a) i had made closer friends in university b) kept those friends that i did make c) wasn't so damned sentimental.

anyway, back to my day. quite cold today. coldest yet. i'm hoping that some kind soul would grace me with an adidas winter jacket. or maybe a north face one that's not so puffy. oooh look at the material me. meh. a little materialism is ok. although, SUCH a turn off.

yeah, i dunno if i can do much more of this for now. i do believe i've reached my limit of daily banter. i'll try again tomorrow... which should be in 3 minutes. peace, love, and whatever.. later.

kind of blue

2005-11-29T00:02:00.000-08:00

when all your friends become acquaintances, and your family doesn't see,
just pick up a copy of miles davis ~ kind of blue and walk to walmart in the snow.

In a little while

2005-11-28T00:14:00.000-08:00

One thing I am starting to learn about the world and our/my position in it, is that our lives are influenced by deterministic forces beyond our control. We are shaped, constructed in a society that barely knows us but vies for our control. Our lives are very shallow in this state of affairs.

Television, and now the Internet dictates, while we wait, anticipate. Here, in Vancouver, a staple of this daft determinism are yoga pants. T&A and Lululemon tracksuits, the new prisonwear for daily life. Slap a 9 digit number above your breast and call me Bubba. Lovely.

As these, obviously atheletically inclined, consumers run in the marathon we know as life in a capitalist world, I sink further into my depression; wondering how it would be possible for me to be part of this world without being, at least slightly, depressed.

The solution, although bleak, is to seek and realize our capability for agency. To see past the sexual overtones, undertones, midtones, the phoney lives on tv, the phoney lives replicated from tv ( oh baudrillard! ). What do we do when the map envelopes the reality? Resist through pockets of space where we can find agency ( Foucault, tell me more! ). Yeah, I know, vague notions of salvation of reality, but there is possibly power in the vague. In fact, it might be the critical factor in salvation.

I know now that I cannot stay in one place for longer than 8 months. In fact, I don't believe I have since I left home. So 5 years, of displacement in country to which I was a stranger. I digress. .. which is to be expected.

But I think it is a necessary to always be on the move. I move a little, drop off the material possessions and baggage that I have collected on the way, find a new spot, and then repeat. It's not a perfect solution, or maybe not even a solution at all, but it is a path. But I'm still waiting, to break on through.

A few more months, a little more work, a lot more procrastination, and I'll be heading to Japan; a much needed move. I feel the need to disappear once again (hm.. this drifter paradigm of mine might be a clue to my inability to maintain relationships, but it's time for me to stop thinking).

happy days?

2005-11-26T01:32:00.000-08:00

mr miyagi is dead.

the walls of my past come falling down.

nostalgia sets in.

missing times past, loves lost.

at age 73

you died

to think of all the advice

you never got to give to me.

don't worry, i will move on, i will grow on,

bye mr miyagi.

rock on.

wish-list

2005-11-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

Since Christmas and the New Year are fast approaching, and the pensive fog has birthed a state of contemplation in me, I have decided to construct a list of things I wish were different about me.

I wish...
1) ... I could write with the eloquence and non-challant-ness that i see in may other of my friends' blogs. some people just have a way of writing that makes you want to read more. simple and complex ideas, wrapped up in elegant prose. poignant diction complemented with original metaphor.

2) ... my soul could be satisfied just for awhile. i wish that i had the direction that I see many others have.

3) ... I could gain the courage to step out into the world and let the torrent of the batter my person, i wish i had the courage, to test myself to withstand.

4) ... I could find the love I had once a small glimpse of.

5) ... I was harder working, so I could finish my essays before they are due (without me being tricked into it)

i wish i was a little bit taller i wish i was a baller i wish i had a girl and if i did i would call her too short. whatever happened to him?

a thought

2005-11-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

it's not that i don't have free time. i do.
but i think the problem, is,
that i am very high maintenance in terms of leisure and rest.

it seems like i need an adequate amount of sleep, a few hundred hours of worthless tv, and a whole lot of food before i can function. these activities are my gasoline. monogamy with academics is rather impossible for me?

leisure, maybe it's not as overrated as we sometimes think.

Film Review: Born into Brothels – Calcutta’s Red Light Kids 2004

2005-11-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

This film was a documentary about the children in the red light district in Calcutta. Zana Briski, a photographer from New York decided to live among the women of the red light district. According to Zana, it is quite uncommon to see photographs from this area because many of the people working in this sector are embarrassed and do not like getting photographed by strangers; this is why she felt it was necessary to live amongst the women to gain their trust.
While living among these women, she started to get close to their children, the children of prostitutes. Not a teacher by profession, she offered to teach a photography class for the children, which were very excited. She gave each of them cameras and instructed them. In a way, it was like seeing through the eyes of the children.
She started to see the plight the children were in. Many of these girls would become prostitutes, and the boys would turn to crime if they continued to stay in the red light district. This was a generational problem. For example, Puja, one of the girls in the class came from a Bhraman family with the mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother all involved in prostitution. There was little question to whether she would also become a prostitute. By teaching the children about photography, Briski hoped to impart some skills to them, which would make them more appealing to boarding schools.
Getting the children into boarding schools would be very tough because the schools have a bias against children from the red light district, and the majority would not admit children from the red light district. In order to raise the funds needed to send the children to boarding school, Briski displayed their photographs in galleries as well as on an Amnesty International calendar. This shows one way the children were acting to help themselves earn money for boarding school.
When Briski managed to get three of the girls into the boarding school, there arose some complications with Puja’s (on of the girls who got accepted) grandmother. She did not want to have any conflict with Briski, so this is how she resisted. She said that she’d let her go willingly on any other day, but the day that they wanted to Puja to leave was a Thursday, and if she does anything special on a Thursday, something bad will happen. This form of resistance reminded me of the women that used the ghost stories in the Javanese factories to protest working conditions. It is in a different context, but I think an apt illustration of resistance, albeit against Briski, who wanted to help Puja. After Briski left, Puja’s grandmother withdrew her from the Sabera boarding school. Of the three girls, only one ended up staying at the boarding school.
Although I admire Briski’s heartfelt disposition towards the children, I question whether the best solution is to remove the children from their families and put them into boarding schools. From the results of Briski’s attempt, only one of the girls stayed in the boarding school. Her documentary would have more credit if they explored the role the child played in the household. Was the child essential in someway to the running of the household? Would her extraction affect the parent’s financially or culturally somehow?

--> on a side note, the photographs taken by the children were amazing. above is one of them taken i think by suchitra.

– Gangs, Race and the Informal Sector

2005-11-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

--- this is a modified journal entry i am handing in for my sociology class. it's terrible writing because apparently my writing prowess has been reduced to that of a grade schooler. i've never been a great writer, but this week my brain is actually fried.

-----

This Saturday, I went out for my friend’s 21st birthday. We went to a club in downtown Vancouver. Some of the guys that we were with were Vietnamese gang-members. This made for an interesting expedition. When I go to clubs with my friends, I am usually not concerned about which gang the club is affiliated with.
I started to wonder about immigrant culture in Vancouver, where a lot of the gangs are racialized. There are your Vietnamese gangs, Punjabi gangs and the Hell’s Angels. I’m sure I’m leaving many out, and giving a very thin description, but I don’t know much about gangs in Vancouver. What I do know, is that they are a thriving part of our black market economy, specifically the drug trade. I have always wondered why, at least the stereotype is, that Vietnamese have a higher change of joining the criminal underworld.
My contention is that it is partially the result of an immigrant culture. A large majority of the Vietnamese population were originally refugees. This was the case with one of guys I was with. His family came here without anything and had to work hard to make a living. Even though jobs were available in the formal sector, many Vietnamese youth see the relative poverty that they have to endure and want to change their situation. The fastest way to do that is through the informal sector. And in Vancouver, the informal sector is the gang controlled drug trade. This was the case with the guy I met.
The second guy I started talking to at the club kept repeating, “I don’t like this club. Too many shootings. Too many gangs here”. We left an hour later in a black SUV tinted SUV. He had moved to Vancouver from Edmonton to “work”. As we were driving down Broadway, he remarked how he couldn’t wait to get rich and “roll up in a nice ride” to a club instead of being driven around by the other guy, his boss. It seems like the prevailing attitude in this informal sector: get rich quick.
We drove from the club in search of food, but were distracted by a party by some of their friends. When we arrived at the apartment, we were greeted by a shirtless Vietnamese guy with a dragon inked all over his back. I declined the Ecstasy he offered me and sat down on the couch where the rest of the people were glued to a 60 inch television watching a movie with no sound. They were all high. The guys met were pointing out which of the girls on the couch was “theirs”. The conversations revolved around girls, tattoos and working out.
Overall, it was not a typical evening for me. The evening however, was an eye-opener to a culture I normally would never see, although it is growing within my city. It just made me aware that even in our city there is so much class and race diversity which shows up in both the formal and informal sector; the latter of which is hard to measure because it is underground.

Aiya.

2005-11-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

If my life had eras (and i contend that it does), this would be the era of discontent. or the era of stagnant water. There is nothing exciting happening in my life this year. I mean, I am graduating, but I have not graduated yet. I might be doing JET and going to Japan, but I am not doing that yet.

So where am I? I'm in between. in between realities that might or might not be. Lost in a foggy city where I can't even see past 30 feet. I'm on buses where all the pretty girls are on cellphones talking to pretty boys, coffee costs the same as a small meal, and i am earning negative monopoly dollars.

I have at least 6 more months of this. I have no drama, stagnant ambition, and a craving for baileys. i wish i had some money to waste, but then i'd probably be an alcoholic wishing for more money to waste away.

I need a change. I need some drama. I can't keep watching reruns of Joey and Dawson's Creek dammit. Naka is probably smashin her head on a desk right about now. Now you know how it feels you crazy canuck.

baaah. (usually at tiems like this, i will tend to do something stupid that gets some action into my life). wait for an update. maybe the era will get a new name.

trace of caffiene.

2005-11-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

so i am sitting in fog now. surrounded. encroached.

some crazy fog out there man. it's like when i was 10 and so much nicer and in london. it's definately a sign. this weather is telling me, buy more dress shirts. 1 is good, but you need more.

dress shirts, a nice mid length coat, and a coffee in my left, newspaper in my right. in search of cobblestone.

you know what, i'm pissed. i have a blog, but most ppl that read this don't. or don't update as frequently. it's like a one way relationship. i wanna consume as well.

3 more weeks of school. the longest weeks. i have an urge to do a harry potter marathon. i've only seen the first one. but i need some escape, some hot chocolate, and maybe a lil'lady to watch it with. or you know, a bunch of guys beer and pizza.

another day in paradise

2005-11-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

Ever think about it this way? Each time you go out to buy a new sweater, or the latest designer label handbag, you spend about what? $40-$80? I don't know about you, but I am an impulsive buyer. I don't shop a lot, but when I do, I do it to make myself feel a little better. get a new coat, look pretty sharp, i'm feelin it.

Now, if you watch world vision, it takes about $30 a month to help a kid get basic necessities such as food and water and shelter so that he can one day make you those shoes or whatever product you wanna buy to make you happy.

Now, this is not a guilt trip on your or me. What I am trying to get at is a little more fine-tuned than the obvious worldvision kid with flies in his mouth. What I am getting at is quite centered on the individual.

I am just wondering why buying a new sweater to wear to the peacock parade makes me happier than feeding and clothing a child for a month. think about it. it's quite a commentary really, on our culture at large. OUR culture. and I don't know what to make of it. Is it because we are so far removed from the rest of the world? but then, how about these imagined communities? the plea to common human dignity?

might not be so common after all. je ne comprend pas.

silence

2005-11-13T02:15:00.000-08:00

over the past few days, i've been very vocal about my views or nonviews.

i see so much rash hypocisy coming out of my mouth that i only realize the day after.

i am calling for more silence, more listening, weighin reason. too often we talk but never listen.

chew on this.

2005-11-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Those who know me (and I'd like to think i was one of those) would have to agree that my life has been fraught with religion. Now becareful here. Reflections of the self run amok. For Those who are atheist know me as conservative, religious. And Those Christians (not to be exclusive of other religions, but this is the one I have closes ties) that know me, see me as quite liberal and even anti-religious, anti-christian even.

How interesting this is. Partially, it is my nature. My nature to always come from the other end. Socratic or was it Plato's? dialectics. I speak for the other side when no one will. Why? because the other side is as equally valid as this side. I can't help it. I'm not ecstatically RARARA even if I agree. But I do believe that besides this partiality, which is minimal at best (confined to rational discourse with the goal of coming to some in between point thru the rigid societal binaries).

Most of the fault lies in the perceptions of others. I am guilty of this as well, but I do step back most of the time. And if I have stepped forward, I'll take two steps back. So in all, I'd say it's your fault! haha.

Back to religion. My life is fraught with religion. I guess it would serve us better to qualify that statement by saying that religions have influenced my life from the time i was born, to the time i was indoctrinated into the christian church... to the time i left the church and the time i came back somewhat to the church, and to the time i just can't be bothered (i'm bothered a little) by the church anymore.

i will not qualify the church, because my fingers are tired. another day.

But where was I going with this? I have been influenced mostly by elements of christianity, buddhism, hedonism and post-modernism. the -isms seem to outnumber the -anities. in variety anyway. these elements have shaped the way i think about life, and the actions to which i back up with my rational-sentimental-conservative-liberal thoughts with. Now, that's a lot of isms and one big anity that lend much influence to my actions as well as my conscience. a little much for that cricket of consciousness squatting on my right shoulder if you ask me.

Post-moderns, constructivists and feminists argue, all, that all these values have no natural basis. constructions that can be deconstructed, and reconstructed. well, that's great. so everyone can be accepted and happy and all that rest (i sound cynical in this sentence, but i don't mean to be, i'm just tired of praising deconstruction). One the one hand, we (when i say we i mean I me and those around me) are immersed in a great conurbation which espouses all these values. lovely pluralism.

but even in a field of flowers, where the soil accepts all types, pansies, roses, tulips, daffodils and petunias, the flowers still compete for nutrients. not all survive. some seeds that fall are decimated by the sun, others are given life. the rains quench the thirsty and flood the rest. hobbe's state of nature in nature. hahahaha. i am somewhat a geek as well as all the rest.

it's so hard to be a votary to any specific vein of thought. is it kosher to use christianity as salvation and lament, a hint of hendoism for pleasure-seeking, buddhism when i get tired of God, and post-modernism to make non-sense of it all.

identity pluralism. i am all put into one. but none at all.

c'est la vie, vraiment.

2005-10-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

slow down to think.

pause in between sentences.

create sentence fragments.

breathe.

listen.

i believe that life is a perpetual scavenger hunt where you are desperate, but have no list of what to find. there are clues. along the way. signs, notices, crazy old women who calm to be prophets. be they false, true, or deluded. there is agency, as well as the clues that push and pull. but in the end, there is agency. the point of decision, leads to more decisions. a hierarchy of decisions.

think of a maple tree at its infancy. each choice you make extends a branch with several subbranches. certain choices close of certain branches in your life. but these are your choices. as the tree grows, you mature. its branches become thinner, while your choices are more determined by the previous choices you have made. agency is in a way diminished. your character sets in. the tree takes shape.

the tree gets older. it is your choice to make it flourish with bushy leaves or leave it thorny and wirey. now stop.

zoom out one time.

we see two or three other trees around yours. branches and roots slowly coming closer to yours. some may shelter your tree's leaves from the sun, but leave you with less nutrients. others may house small animals that help fertilize the soil around your tree to help it grow.

this certainly infringes on agency. equality and freedom. a classic tension its true. but this is how you solve it: without equality, we have no freedom. and without freedom we have no equality. we are not just individuals. we are in community. pause and consider that. it's more ying yang than it first appears.

zoom out again.

a forest of trees searching for the Sun.

zoom back in.

this is life.

2005-10-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

there are way too many problems in the world i am trying to solve! right now i'm trying to figure out whether human rights can be achieved under an authoritarian regime without first becoming democratic. for example, burma is an authoritarian regime that has a disregard for most human rights. blatent disregard.

and then you have singapore which is substantively authoritarian but democratic in procedure.

argh. mind is so muddled.

help.

religion

2005-10-24T01:44:00.000-07:00

religion, a poem.

religion is stupid.
relieve yourself of your religion on the side of a tree,
i started a cult
so follow me.

the end.

people, please release ur religions and atheisms and find your faith.
i guess you can only stop living in fear when you know what you really do fear.
the adventure begins.

only freshmen.

2005-10-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

i have a tendency to idealize the interesting people i meet. i have a tendency to find the endearing qualities about them and then magnify them. i set about this task by building boxes with cardboard walls and bubble wrap floors. i allow for home improvement, renovations and the such. but i take it that the center will hold.

and i never fail to be surprised when the cardboard is paper thin in the ubiquitous winds.

i guess it's partly my fault, but i really did and do expect more. go figure, crazy idealist.

still

2005-10-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

still alive. still fiesty as ever. just really damn tired. finished presentation today. worth 20%. i think we kicked some butt. lots to say, but so tired.

still alive... still busy... more later.

the disenchanted generation

2005-10-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

fifty percent of us are reported to have some form of depression. less twentysomethings are voting each year. and if the problems of a generation can be garnered from popular culture, we are starting to see a culture that says, i don't care, i will not conform. of course we don't conform by purhasing clothing with spikes or dog collars creating a subculture as well as a not-so-niche market of mall goers. everything seems relative these days, the lines between rights and wrongs have become sinusodial and ever-so-permeable. "she's a slut! she sleeps around with everyone!" "no, she's just expressing herself. she is freeing her body". to be a purist, an idealist, a priest, is just not kosher anymore. we must turn 1000s of yrs of a flawed history of excluding and persecuting homosexuals because being homosexual is not "wrong" anymore. i tell ya, it's a time of real confusion.

why, you might ask, is it so hard priests, or devout religious dudes of all faiths having such a hard time now? sure, there's the whole seperation of church from state, and western imperialism hoo ha and such, but i think it's more abstract that that. values. absolute values. to be religious requires you to live by strict moral standards and your values are supposedly unwavering.

our generation is a generation in transition. take a snapshot, we are the pendulum at 40 degrees. we are liberal, we hold on to values of individualism, freedom of expression, free markets (some of us). these are important values, and agreed on quite readily in our societies, but where is the morality?

morality, man that's a harder one. we get into issues of universal truths and cultural relativism. how can we seperate them? must we? should we could we? wee...
it's quite a pickle this morality. we're back at the start. or are we? how do we reconcile morality? priests and preachers can't do it any more man, it's a tough gig judgin what is moral and what is immoral.

children and parents are confused. what bit of truth can we really hold onto? what do you teach your children. is it okay to have picture books where gay couples live happily ever after? or do we just ignore that reality.

ours is a generation, disenchanted. very much like the beat generation after the war, the lost generation. the bomb the bomb thebomb. living in fear.. more so disgust at the previous generation. the generators of the bomb. the bomb the bomb. us, we're disillusioned by politics, by the media. at least the forlorn looking ones. i'm sure others have accepted the thin description of life. they water ski on the pond in the cave imitating each other's shadows, without a care in the world, refusing to look down into the depths of the pond. unable, unwilling, undisenchanted, to see the schools of fish in entropy.

although the media is ostensibly a liberator, our generation is starting to realize that it is a generator. ourbombourbombourbomb. so we become disenchanted. lacksidaisical.

our academics, yours truly, baudrillard, foucault, derrida, lay in bed (seperately) and find it hard to get up into another day to be shaped and molded by the electrons and whipped into shape into a simulcratic game of pillsbury doughboy. no tahnk you. i'll stay in bed if it's fine with you. where do we go from here.

more later.

lacksidaisical hypocrites abound.

2005-10-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

lacksidaisical: Lacking spirit or liveliness; showing lack of interest;
languid; listless.

i've been acting and feeling quite lacksidaisical lately. i am slowly getting out of it. today was good. got two readings done at the coffeeshop, interspersed with post-modern blabbering with hannah ( the human palindrome, second only to bob ). i feel that was pretty good.

then headed over to church at the point. honestly, i didn't realize how much i missed going to the point (the point is a church on the hill of death known as bby mountain). the pastor is actually quite amiable. i really do appreciate the atmosphere he creates with his services. very nonchalant but still very tuned into God. i really should give him a compliment, although i am not one very generous or timely with my compliments (most of the time).

what did he talk about today... he talked about how the church should not be caught up in hypocrisy. it was a simple message, but the discussion questions that were considered in small groups were basic but quite pertinent: do you act hypocritically in your life? with your faith? a question that stumps both christians and others... heh. it's tough. hypocrisy is hard to see from the point of view of the hypocrite. but you, the reader, should try. be honest, think earnestly, what are you in your life hypocritical about? this is a step in becoming more real. then we can get along better. ;)

peace.

ambitionz az a ridah

2005-10-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

on one hand his amibtion to show the world what life is like from the eyes of a thug living in the ghetto was like was poetic and noble. a wake up call to a generation silent on the disparities of daily life. but on the other hand, he was quite an asshole. i guess i'm just annoyed at the rhetoric-action gap that was apparent in his rich life. he realized his situation, the situation of his "thugs"
(watch tupac ressurection for the definition), but it was like he was strapped in a car, writing about his situation eyes wide open seeing and feeling. but at the same time, he couldn't control the car as it accelerated towards a brick wall. rushing towards that wall, fully aware, throwing poetryrapandrhyme out the windows hoping someone would listen. a martyr. this is my situation, look listen, it's too late for me but let's make it not too late for you. watch me, do as i do, and maybe one day "you" won't do as i do.

i won't deny it, i'm a straight ridah, you dont' wanna fuck with me. got the po-lice fuckin wit me

hello world

2005-10-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

so after a week of business and lack of creativity, i bring to the table... more uncreativity.

have you ever realized the wonder of a wide clear wooden table? or any table for that matter. my table is usually cluttered with books, tea stains, dust, papers and bills. when it gets too much, when i get too overwhelmed, i have a habit of finding a new table and leaving the old one.

it is quite refreshing. right now i'm plunked on a chair behind the living room table enjoying salmon and pasta and reading the bluest eye. now you must understand, i've been spending the entire day in a period of agonizing soul delay - my body seems offset from my soul and my greatest fear is to lose control. so i sit in neutrality in agony behind tired eyes and an oily bridge watching the 24 frames on the tv screen nervous that i will clone my days and my slouthful ways.

a new table, i discovered, a new peace. my body still displaced, but falling back into the cushion of my soul. slowly, surely, back and forth, but it will get there. the table is my tabula rasa, salmon running thru my veins and toni morrison waiting patiently in the oprah book club.

running out of tables, better get my act together.
p.s. comments are gasoline for my fingers. fill me up.

thanksgiving

2005-10-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

as i recover from the loss of my movie review, i leave you with some pictures.

yesterday my parents, some family, and some friends came over for a thanksgiving dinner/ brother's bday party. it was great fun. here's some pics for you moses. i love turkey leftovers... mmmm.

okay..

2005-10-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

i'm really mad. i just wrote a 1 pg review for howl's moving castle. and when i tried to send it into blogspot it just erased everything and told me to log in again...

i am disgruntled..

friday night

2005-10-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

friday night and all i can think about is that
i am the endless chronic, the forever blunt
always half lit, passed around
disinterested halfbaked halfeyed faces
eyes filled with dreams of sexlove and whatever is sexy at the time
a bag of doritos and coke slush with a top on
711 always open
me only broken.
i long to die out
to burn out
smeared on the ground
planted, ready to grow
back to the earth wind and fire
but i fear
only to blaze again?
---
- i need to get a social life. hah.

crunchtime.

2005-10-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

a presentation and half an essay later, i'm barely surviving. i've started writing several previous posts to this one, but i always seem to be deluged in a bath of ADHD. ( ps. it took me like 7 tries to get that acronym right. variations included: ADD, AHDA, ADAH, etc.) most of those posts never made the screen, however, i am sure they will get squeezed onto it soon enough, once the cacapohny gets lonely.bah, baloney. ( i Am actually aware my jokes seem lame, but to me, they are great. )

this week is crunch week, and next week is the week i am probably gonna hear the crunching. did well on my essay for last week i guess. 12/15. i guess that's good. actually, pretty happy with it since i heard he is a tough marker, although i think this sets a rather ominous tone for the midterm because i know it's gonna be hella hard. midterm is next weds. when is me gonna start study? friday hopefully... if all goes to plan, rarely the case.

for now, i have to finish up the journal/critical analyses for sociology. funfunfun. to give credit to my courses, the readings are all very engaging and deserve much more focus than i am currently giving them. i am starting to love the theory course i did this summer which is helping me say smart things in my transnational human rights class. off i go, writewritewrite.

two nights fight time.

2005-10-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

two nights in a row i've had dreams involving me fighting in some sort of ultimate fighter situation. what could this mean?!! maybe i am called to something great.

ufc... my destiny to become ultimate fighter will soon be realized.

storm settles, confusion raises its head.

2005-10-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

so, i have 2 semesters left before I graduate from university. i am more involved in sfu life than i have ever been in my 4-5 yrs at university. i am actually enjoying my classes at sfu and meeting quite interesting people. my plan was to graduate as fast as possible so i could go teach in japan and make some money to pay off my student loans. so i printed out the JET forms the day after they come out online and start to go thru them. everything seems quite procedural and unproblematic until i come to the part where they require 2 reference letters. 1 from a professor at my university and one from an employer. i am stumped. do i know a professor well enough at my university to even have the guile to make them write a letter that they have probably no basis to right from? (previous sentence seems quite flawed, but i'll ignore it for now).

and a job?? the last jobs i had were working for my mom and dad. granted they have a non-profit charitable organization, but i'm sure there's something against that. and before that? i was a safeway delicatessen clerk. so i served meat. what to do now?

i figure... i need some experience under my belt. and maybe the way to fix that is to take this degree a little slower and do a co-op term or two to make some contacts. this would also give me time to aquaint myself with my professors this semester which are quite excellent their own ways (truly). this seems like the intelligent way to go. but it hurts my pride.

this way i could get more involved, write for the paper, get more work experience, do more volunteer work. seems like the smart decision. but i'm still hesitant. i am lingering.

serenity

2005-10-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

before the movie, i thought, man this is gonna be a great movie!
after the movie, i said, this is a great movie! by far, one of the best movies i've seen this year. go out and watch it. even if you haven't watched the brief series, the movie is just great. it's got action, spaceships, western music, big guns, cannibals, beautful females, and the driest humor this side of the atlantic (or pacific, i never know which is which).

kudos to joss whedon for creating an amazing world where geeks like me can jump into and reclaim ethic, value, and most of all, heart... haha heart.

great movie. great humor. go see it!

bus drivers, crash.

2005-09-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

i was on the bus yesterday, and i saw something that broke my stereotype of a bus driver. there we were, driving along, he was bitching to an old crone (if ever there was one, this was an examplar). The old crone, with her fishing hat confining her mousy eyes, was constantly reiterating to the bus driver about how kids don't respect bus drivers.

after a few stories here and there, snippets picked up in between ipod sessions, we came up past a private catholic school in kits (the pricy part of town that i pretend to be a part of). the bus driver wails on his horn in the school zone. the kids in their plaid green skirts all turn their heads, the traffic assistants (aspiring cops in the making, kids in orange vests). i thought he was tramatized, but then he started waving out the window. a small girl turns, puzzled. yells out "daddy!! that's my daddy!!!" and starts running after the bus. all the little girls, barely 8, start waving and smiling.

i see a proud look in the corner of the large bus rearview mirror. that's my kid, that's my daughter, he proclaims with proud eyes. it was a movie moment.

but what shocked me, was that a bus driver could afford, or let alone want to, send his child to a private catholic school in the most expensive part of town. it just didn't add up for me. my mind is too small. i started to question what i expected out of a bus driver. i questioned them as bus drivers and as people. in our society, i think we start to see people more as tools than as people.

the bus driver brings me as close to home as the route allows.
he is an engine. he is there because life has thrown him the lower middle class card and he is a product of his circumstance. he goes home to his slightly overweight, pale skin oprah loving wife, where his only solace from a hard day working the streets of vancouver is the drink beer, eat nuts on a dinner table watchin the canucks beat up the visiting team. this is the bus driver.

who is the student?

fix you

2005-09-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

the back of the package claims "a warm hug on a cold day".

it better make good it's promise. everyday is a cold day.

escapism

2005-09-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

read a good book lately? been enthralled in the setting? felt like you were living in this fictious world of words and whispers? then you may be guilty of escapism. the divide between fiction and fact is not quite as clear if you really think about it. fiction is a mutation of the experiences and mutations of reality. we interpret facts and make them fiction. we tell stories. these stories are constructed realities which are created by reality as well as helps create the very reality that of its birth.

i love being completely lost in fiction. i love picking up a good book and watching, first amused, and then quickly disinterested as the world around you just melts away into the background of the protagonist and his/her conflict. lost in the constructed reality. makes you wonder about what you know as reality. i mean, reality to you, isn't it just another story, another construction of what we think what is?

reality is very different for me compared with a bus driver, or a millionaire. we decide what we make real and what we deem fiction. the lines smudge. escape seems so comforting. delusions some may call them. but for the heretic heuristics amongst us, we call them good stories.

what is the past and what hold does memory have on it? the past is gone. the past does not exist. it's like a road you keep walking on, but once u look back, the path disappears. there is nothing there but memories of what was right in front of you. recalling the past, is just telling stories.

universal human rights: tryout#1

2005-09-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

i guess to begin, i will start off with something lifted from chomsky: did mitch have a class bias?

Flooding in Honduras or Bangladesh takes a huge toll. An earthquake measuring 7.7 on the Richter scale shook up California in 1992 and one person died. A less intense earthquake in Managua left 15,000 victims. A typhoon in Bangladesh can signify half a million lives.

It's a question of good governance or lack thereof. Why are the poor always most affected by disaster? According to Chomsky, because the poor farmers in Posoltega, Nicaragua, were pushed into the most ecologically fragile zones, most unsuitable for agriculture. In other words, the poor were pushed by government and capital to more risky ecological locations. The result? A devastating and deadly mudpie in Posoltega where entire families were buried by mud and dirt with inadequate government aid. The president refused to declare a state of emergency, there was little advanced warning. And of course, the agri-export industry monopoly in the less compromising ecological regions benefited from the fertile ground that the rains gave them.

It's a sad reality. Why do I only see the urban poor in the streets in New Orleans? This disaster feels so similar yet so different than the tsunami in asia at the start of the new year. The attitudes... This is where we get into the rights of humans. As Sarah brought to my attention, the attitude of new orleans seems so different from the people affected by the tsunami. In new orleans, it seems more like, This is OUR right to be saved to be compensated to be insured, to be safe. Flip the page upside down and you see Asia says "help us help ourselves. the disaster has happened, we are in serious need of help". Life dealt asia a Bunsen poker hand to start off, but they are still hopeful that they will be saved on the turn and the river. Rights... I don't think there was any vehement debate on the rights of the victims to help.

Now both parties have equal rights as humans if you subscribe to the universalist school of human rights. But the attitudes are so different. Does that change the universalist claim that all humans deserve equal rights? Or does it lend support to a more culturally relativistic conception of human rights? In the tsunami situation in asia, there was little talk of the right to food, water and security. It was more like, this is what is needed. "what can you spare?". Not, "this is our right, government, start the hamster wheels of justice!".

I will try to expound on this later. Just some thoughts right now.

New Orleans is sinking, and I don't want to swim.

cheers to nathan. smash the bottle to christen the new era

2005-09-25T03:49:00.000-07:00

credit goes to nathan: blog.

i am too lazy to design a page from scratch, so i ripped off his css. i shall eventually modify it but i am a big fan of his design style and will probably keep it like this for awhile anyway.

cheers to nathan, a great talent, that should not go to waste.