Vancouver Drift

i find it sad that some people will never know the beauty of nature. i went for an early morning run today and came back full of verve. the breeze and sun complemented each other. the breeze spreading the warmth of the sun across my face.

i tried to spread the joy when my roommates woke up. one ignored me, the other snorted and laughed at me. i feel so bad for these two bangkok girls. what they are missing, i hope they know one day when they are not too old.

the old people, they really got it down. their walks thru nature, where everything is so full of life, slows down for you to see. it's a time warp that i'd rather not contemplate but enjoy. they will never know. how sad.

google "confidence," or "confidence + building," and you will find countless websites that claim to instill confidence, be it through 6 steps spread out over 6 weeks, or hypnosis by audio-tape. some of the websites are very convincing; they could be described as confident. i signed up for the free 6 week program by e-mail after reading over the throngs of promotional baggage aimed to convince me that the training cd they are selling is the way to go.

so, i got my e-mail in an instant. it started out with congratulations from ronald i. somethingorrather, and gave me more promotional junk, and a website link to get my free promotional 6 week course to give me confidence, sans the ever-so-important hypnosis and meditation audio files that came with the full cd. guess what? NADA! or maybe it was so elusive that i had no idea how to get to it. but by that point, i had lost motivation, and you could also say the confidence, necessary to figure out how to learn that shit in the first place.

so i settled for an audiobook on meditation i had downloaded during one of my nights of massive and totally random downloading. it was pretty good, although not because it taught meditation, but because it helped curb my insomnia for that night.

googling made me realize that i am not the only one out there with a mild to severe lack of confidence. this community lacks confidence in the workplace, academia, the household, and the bedroom (or the journey there). a couple of questions come to mind: why the cowering in dark corners of a club and what can we do about it.

i believe the lack of confidence that keeps me writing job applications that i never submit is derived from the curse of habituation. because i do it so rarely, and everytime i don't receive anything back, i stop applying, i lose confidence in it. instead of developing a habit of persistance, i develop a habit of letting things pass. i can afford to do this because all my needs are provided for, and work is only a side project for me, at the moment.

this is not good. habits are definately hard to break. another example is when the staff at the registrar have been complete dickholes (or assholes, whatever sounds crasser) to me, and i continue the same habit of not going to submit my loan forms every semester until they start sending me payment forms. then i have to go thru the same process of calling them and mailing them the late forms, all in order to postpone going to the bastards at the registrar ( they are a little nicer these days).

as to a remedy, i am still working on that.

over the past week i have: met up with my childhood friend i haven't met in 12 yrs, climbed a mountain to be overtaken by a 74 yr old scot, gone thru internal drama while watching a muay thai fight while my friend was getting hit on my one of the trainers, and finally wrestled and lost for the first time to my younger cousin.

there haven't been many updates because i've been busy living life. while the habitual over-introspection has of course not ceased, i have chosen to let it fester and develop before engraving my thoughts in electronic stone.

it's been awhile since my heart and mind have been this stirred up. for one, climbing a mountain gives you time to think about your place in life, and your attitude to facing it. the fact that i was climbing a mountain with my childhood friend really gave some structure to my ponderances. i learnt how important the way you look at life really is. all those quotes that business managers put up on their walls started making sense. one can look at life as a journey or as a process. it's important to keep the end in sight, but to be able to turn back and focus on the next step ahead. my friend being with me made the climb all the more profound.

while i learnt the importance of proces from the mountain and the reward that it brings, i learnt rhythm and confidence from my cousin moses. i had some practice, but still have much training to endure.

from my friend, i learnt the importance of this quote:
there is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

although i am in a strange place right now, i think the most important quote that has made sense to me this week goes something like this:
there are no lucky men (or women). there are only those that are prepared to do what needs to be done when the time comes.

strange things happen under a full moon, look, i updated.