I am 2008 going on 2009
Wow. I'm in awe of the jump from 2006 to 2008. Has it really been that long since I've really blogged my heart and brains and balls out? Really, this was the only true blog I ever had. There were upstarts (oh fuck there were upstarts alright), but they never lasted longer than any of my relationships (ooohh self buuurn!).
It's 4am, and i feel hungry, sinking in this bed, typing for the wasted, the tired and the barely awake. I'm currently waiting for my course registration (4 hours from now).
I can't sleep. Play the blame game all I want, I fucked up. I haven't been myself ever since Bangkok and the craziness that ensued. I wonder if I'll ever get back to where I was (or is there no back, and is forward the way to go).
What worries me is that I've lost some of that integrity that used to hold me back, and limit me. I wanted to break free of the limits, but perhaps we all need our limits. Perhaps.
After last year, I've lost the ability to trust, and as such, I have lost trust in others.
I tell myself, the opportunities that present themselves now are the result of my transformation, but are they? Can I truly draw that correlation, do I need to exist in this altered state?
If you're looking for a resolution, you've come to the wrong place. There is no resolution here. There is the search, for that peace that lies in silence, but this be anything from resolved. Can prey really pose as predator? Can I really continue to exist as everything I was not?
The decisions we make are layers on a cake. As the layers pile on, the cake takes on new flavours, but it can never quite shake the layers that are below. Each new layer solidifying its taste.
fin. for now.
It's 4am, and i feel hungry, sinking in this bed, typing for the wasted, the tired and the barely awake. I'm currently waiting for my course registration (4 hours from now).
I can't sleep. Play the blame game all I want, I fucked up. I haven't been myself ever since Bangkok and the craziness that ensued. I wonder if I'll ever get back to where I was (or is there no back, and is forward the way to go).
What worries me is that I've lost some of that integrity that used to hold me back, and limit me. I wanted to break free of the limits, but perhaps we all need our limits. Perhaps.
After last year, I've lost the ability to trust, and as such, I have lost trust in others.
I tell myself, the opportunities that present themselves now are the result of my transformation, but are they? Can I truly draw that correlation, do I need to exist in this altered state?
If you're looking for a resolution, you've come to the wrong place. There is no resolution here. There is the search, for that peace that lies in silence, but this be anything from resolved. Can prey really pose as predator? Can I really continue to exist as everything I was not?
The decisions we make are layers on a cake. As the layers pile on, the cake takes on new flavours, but it can never quite shake the layers that are below. Each new layer solidifying its taste.
fin. for now.
