Vancouver Drift

ok. deep breathe. here's how it is, i will lay it out sans the obscurity that usually pervades my good written intentions. kuri is getting married in august. kuri is my ex- of i guess maybe 2 yrs now. you know love? well, whatever the misconceptions of love is, she and me, that's the closest i've ever come to knowing love. she cared about my future (probably, and shamefully, more than i cared about hers).

i know i took that love for granted. i didn't choose to put what i knew i should have put into it now. the fault, if a fault should be counted, would be 65% mine 20% hers and 15% the ever invasive cow prods of the world. so what can be deduced from this spread? i do not deserve the pity that my remorse affords me. i don't deserve any pity for the fault was 65% mine. but i am rather pity-able in the way the world teaches through the ironical (i think i just made like a new adjective as well as a new noun in that last sentence).

so where am i left now? wallowing in my own self pity partially; looking in retrospect at my life (an activity i have managed to ignore till now: ignorance is only bliss for a short while, the delay of which is rarely worth the temporal sacrifice); swimming through a sea of the past hidden behind my boulders (i make real fuckin good boulders); trying to look forward but failing my exams in the process; contemplating how to reply to her rather sparse and direct e-mail; learning much from my past and the sorrow that follows, and forever, writing my goodbyes.

i am well aware that this is not a final letter of closure. it is barely, but surely, a beginning long lacking. how am i going to face her? what am i going to say? am i going to the wedding?
while this endeavor is much for the realignment of my soul to fit the bewilder of my situation, it is as much for her, and me being able to set her free, to give my approval (whatever it is worth at this juncture), and to wish her a new life, happy and married (i know, i made another word, but "bewilderment" just doesn't suit).

as far as the word "married" is concerned, it can just go stick it's head in a coffee well for all i care right now. marriage, the death of my ignorance. i'm in a cocoon, and i do need some outside nurture. but i hope to emerge determined, and one bad ass mofo.

(i think i'm starting to situate where my interests lie in the balance of the rest of the world. self centeredness and my place in the machinery and the free will that exists within the machine. a dim light emerges from a dark sea, i just hope it stays long enough for me to rip more into the curtain of the night. i dunno what the fuck i'm saying at this point, but i do believe i have began something. a process)
more to come. stay tuned.